Parenting strategies for while you are at home with an unexpected break from school

Here is a list of the most common proactive strategies I give to families to avoid power struggles, boredom, and attention seeking behavior.

Visual information: schedules, timers, social stories, photos, videos

Kids who like the structure and predictability of school benefit from visual information. Timers and schedules in addition to routine interactions are helpful during this stretch of home time. Social stories, photos, and videos are helpful to support kids with new expectations such as why they have to stay at home.

Specific Positive Praise 

Whenever you notice your child doing something that you have asked them to do or that they have been taught previously, encourage them with specific praise that labels the action that you want to see more of. For example, instead of “Good job” which is general, saying, “It makes me so happy when you turn off the tv when I ask you to.”

Gross motor or fresh air time

During this time of sheltering at home, it will be important to have some time to rev up their battery through exercise and fresh air. This also helps him to sleep better at night and have more consistent bowel movements.

Choices within no choice   

 The point is to give them two options when you need him to do something but the options are both your ideas.  This will help you have some influence over the time at home while not pushing your child to a place of arguing or ignoring you.

Give them a role  

When asking your child to engage in a task that is multistep, it can be helpful to define a specific role for them to take. In particular, this is important to help them transition and get started on the new activity. Pairing this with the choice strategy can be effective as well. For example, “Do you want to be the bag holder or the picker upper?”

“I” statements

Using I statements in place of questions can often alleviate the perception that there is one right answer. Children sometimes say nothing in response to a question because they don't want to be wrong. When you use an I statement to point out what you observe or what your idea is, this can take away that right/wrong element. It can also provide a model of how he could approach the current situation. Some examples include:

  • I see you are feeling frustrated.

  • It looks like you are trying to find something.

  • I wonder what I could help with.

  • I see your sister looks really sad right now.

Focus on the problem rather than the solution 

In small ways, all day, provide opportunities for your child to "read" the situation and solve the problem themselves in their own way. Rather than coaching or prompting them to your solution, taking some time to focus on the problem can reinforce that they don't have to stay flummoxed and frustrated. They can be a problem solver. This can happen in very small ways and the key is frequency of opportunity more than anything. It can also be primarily non-verbal because it reinforces children looking out at the greater environment and people in the vicinity rather than looking down and waiting for someone to tell them exactly what to do. 

References:

  • Siegel, Daniel J., M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. (2018). The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child. New York, NY : Bantom Books.

  • Shanker, Stuart. Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life. New York: Penguin, 2016. Print.

  • Menillo, Michelle, (date unknown). “What is co-regulation?” https://occupationaltherapychildren.com.au/what-is-co-regulation/

  • Maitland, Di (2017). “Co-Regulation: An Example.” https://www.rdiconnect.com/co-regulation-an-example/

  • Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-regulation Across Development: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services. 

To redirect or not redirect, is that the question?

To redirect or not redirect, Is that the question? I actually think it is more about whose job is it to do the redirection.

I had an email exchange with a 3rd grade teacher. She made a comment at the end of the email that stuck out for me. She wrote: " he can get quite distracted on one thing (whether that's another student, or scratching deep dark lines with his pencil onto his assignment).He will stay in this distraction until verbally redirected."

I see this ALL the time with my clients. It can be so disruptive to learning but it can be worked through over time. Because ALL people get distracted, the challenge is not necessarily that a child needs to focus on work or whatever she is "supposed" to be doing without ever taking a break or zoning out. That is unrealistic for anyone. We all get off track at times but we can get ourselves back to work. The challenge for some kids is that it is always someone else who redirects them. If they can learn to recognize that they are off task and get back on track on their own, they will be starting down the path that is much more sustainable for long term learning and growth.

I have two ways that I use pretty successfully to increase awareness with clients. It is best practiced in non-stressful situations, so times when a specific outcome in a specific timeframe is not of the essence. Strategy #1 is to set a timer on a phone or watch when the attention wanders. Hold the timer near them so they can see that it is clicking through the time. I have an iphone and the stopwatch function is quite big and clear and if I start it and hold the phone within the child's field of vision, I have been surprised with how quickly they are curious about why I am doing that. When they ask or shift their attention to the stopwatch, I just report, "We were doing math but then you have been doing X for Y amount of time." What I have found, to a child, is that they will get back to the math on their own with that information. It is frequently that they are surprised that they were off track for so long.

Strategy #2 is more verbal but is helpful if you don't have a stopwatch. When the child becomes distracted, simply repeat what you see them doing that is not the thing they are supposed to be doing. "I see you are doodling." Pause. "I see you are making lines on your math paper." Pause. "I see you made a big pile of eraser dust." Pause. And you could intersperse statements of what you had expected them to be doing such as, "You are ready for #5," or "I see you finished all the addition and you seem ready for the subtraction."

Both of these strategies bring the child’s awareness to what they are doing in the moment but do not give them an exact path back to what they "should" be doing. The reason I don't recommend a specific direction of "Do problem #5 please," is that these directions doesn't foster thinking and planning that leads to independence. Instead, that direction is more likely to lead to compliance or non-compliance. The child can choose to listen to your direction or not. By making statements of fact based on your observations, you are giving them the context to make their own decision of what to do and plan for how to do it. 

Focus on the problem rather than the solution

Focus on the problem rather than the solution ~ In small ways, all day, provide opportunities for children and youth to "read" the situation and solve the problem themselves, in their own way. Rather than directions or prompting them to your solution, take some time to focus on the problem as a way to reinforce that the child doesn’t have to stay flummoxed and frustrated. Instead, they can be a problem solver. This can happen in very small ways and the key is frequency of opportunity more than anything. It can also be primarily non-verbal because by not using language, you reinforce the learner to be looking out at the greater environment and people in the vicinity for information on how to create a solution rather than looking down and waiting for me to tell them what to do. A tiny example is that I held out my hand full of lego and waited for a boy to come closer to me so that I could put them in his bin while cleaning, rather than moving toward him to solve the problem of "hey that is too far away." By waiting and not saying anything, I focused on the problem of "we are not close enough." Also by waiting, this allowed the child to survey the scene, to notice the problem, consider what he could do about it, and then take his own action to solve that problem. Plus, it was really my problem that he was solving but he didn't need any cues other than my pause in order to help me.

The end result for a person who experiences the world this way is that they are less rigid because they learn that there can be multiple solutions, they are more observant because they are looking around and engaged in the environment, and these outcomes lead to a child who is less anxious when things in their world are inevitably imperfect.

Behavior Babble Podcast with Pam Smith and Barb Avila

Behavior Babble listeners will enjoy this quick and informative read from advocate, author, and mentor with Autism, Jonathan Chase. Jonathan’s focus on classroom accommodations is thorough, contains specific recommendations, and is rooted in a larger context of why a student with Autism might need one type of support or another. 

Barb and Pam noticed a consistent theme of supporting students to have choices and agency in their own learning. Whether you are starting the school year off or jumping in midstream, it is never too late to support young people through classroom accommodations that could make life easier for everyone in the class.

Barb and Pam appreciate the structure of the book that includes bullet point lists of suggestions along with anecdotal examples of how a student has used similar accommodations in their academic life. Listen as they discuss the merits of the book and the benefits of it as a resource to teachers at any grade level. As Barb said, “He does a beautiful job of being very respectful of teachers….He has come out with this gift for teachers who are overwhelmed…”

https://soundcloud.com/synergyautismpodcast/episode-20-behavior-babble-reviews-jonathan-chases-book