Rudeness as a matter of perspective

I recently had an interaction with a teenage boy with ADD and Autism. I give that background only to inform generalities of what his perspective is. He said something to me with a very sharp tone of voice and with words that were quite cutting. He took that position that since he wasn’t intending to be rude, then he was not being rude. I tried a few different ways to give my perspective that actually, it is up to the person who is HEARING the word or tone of voice as to whether or not it is rude. We went round and round the hamster wheel a few times sharing our competing perspectives on this.

This was a tricky concept for the black and white thinking of a middle school boy with Autism. He had a clear understanding that if he was saying words that were intended to clarify or give his opinion on a matter and the intent was harmless, then there was no way this could be considered rude.

I stopped my part of the discussion, knowing that on that day, at that time, he was unlikely to change his mind. But this is a topic that I will continue to support him to understand. He doesn’t have to adopt my way of thinking or take my suggestion to change his actions, but it is important that he learn, on some level, that what other people perceive is partly his responsibility. He is a person who functions in a world with others and learning the interplay between perception and intent will likely help him to be more successful in that world.

Sometimes it's hard to know where to start

A big challenge for many learners with neurological or developmental differences can be homework completion. This can also be a huge hurdle for some family systems as it creates one more thing for parents to manage with their children and one more source of conflict that erodes the child’s confidence and connection with parents. Taking a small piece of the process from Dr. Thomas Phelan’s “1-2-3 Magic”, I often employ a no talking strategy. Instead, I just start the work that I see is outstanding by do things like making a copy of the template and then asking the learner to do one small step like save it in the correct folder or type their name, date, etc. This seems to really help them get started without arguing or avoiding. When I give them just a small task, it's as though the next thing I ask seems small enough to manage and then the next and the next. If I ask them to start from zero to make their own plan, it's as though they cannot figure out where to begin and all the resistance starts. Of course, this resistance is just self preservation. The learner cannot find where to start or is concerned they won’t know some step along the way. When I take over the start process, it all becomes more manageable.

That said, I do want students to learn how to approach more complicated planning and organizing. I won’t be around forever to get things started for them. The difference is that I will not use homework as the practice space. Homework is intertwined with too many feelings and expectations of success and failure to be effective in targeting the planning and organization practice. When I support learners to practice these executive functions, it is in low stakes areas such as household chores or small, fun projects. This way they get the practice but without the pressure of grades and teacher expectations.

Behavior Babble with Pam and Barb ~ Part 2 of our review of "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child"

Episode #15: BEHAVIOR BABBLE! 2nd 1/2 of Book Review: 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (part 2)

Behavior Babble continues with part 2 our book review of "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child" by Jeffrey Bernstein. Barb and Pam review the last chapters of the book and reflect on how the book has been helpful in their support of parents. From garnering support in the extended family to working with school and other professionals, Bernstein and 10 Days has great tips, tricks, and reminders to help families support their defiant child.

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